In a stunning display of how democracy is supposed to work, zero grand jury members thought six Democrats committed "sedition" by making a video that basically said, "Hey military folks, maybe don't do crimes just because someone tells you to." Trump, of course, called that seditious because he's a whiny little bitch.

Then on Thursday, a federal judge looked at Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth's attempt to punish Democratic Sen. Mark Kelly and essentially said, "Lol no," ruling that Hegseth's tantrum was "unconstitutionally retaliatory." Legal term for "you can't just punish people for making you mad, my dude."

As Ellen noted, "Despite acting U.S. Attorney Jeanine Pirro's attempts to charge the six with seditious conspiracy for urging people to follow the law"—yes, you read that correctly—"the only punishment likely to be imposed is one on Trump's DOJ when the Democrats sue." Imagine getting sued for trying to prosecute people for suggesting that breaking the law is bad. It's like they're telling on themselves.

But wait! Pete Hegseth, who definitely does 100 push-ups every morning while staring at himself in the mirror and whispering "alpha," could not accept this L. After the New York Post reported that the "Pentagon can't dock Sen. Mark Kelly's rank, pay over 'illegal orders,'" Hegseth fired back—presumably after bench-pressing a flagpole or whatever—declaring: 'This will be immediately appealed. Sedition is sedition, "Captain."'

Yes, he put "Captain" in quotes, because nothing says "I'm a serious person who understands military rank" like sarcastically air-quoting an astronaut and combat veteran's title after losing in court.

So, as any alpha man would do, he attempted to start a slap fight with Kelly as one does. Kelly responded with a quote from the George W. Bush-appointed judge, who found the Pentagon's actions violated Kelly's First Amendment rights.

I couldn't have said it better myself:

Kelly took the high road while Hegseth stayed in the gutter.